Category: Peace


Go and Tell

I’m going to break from my typical formula in this post. It has been three years today since my dad died. The only possession of his I knew he wanted me to have when he died was his many writings — mostly poetry, but also some diaries and other, often unfinished, prose, like what follows after the break below.

My father struggled with mental illness, that imprecise and blanketed term. I suspect much of it was undiagnosed PTSD from a life of trauma, but that doesn’t mean it was all circumstantial, and my father would be the first to insist that none of it did away with his own free will and responsibility. Nevertheless, nightmares plagued his sleep and regrets haunted his days. I know of only one thing in his life that ever cut through all of that and brought him any peace: Jesus Christ.

The following prose, lightly edited by me, seems to have been the start of a paraphrase or elaboration on the Gospel according to St. Mark 5:1-20. Or perhaps he thought this was enough as it is. I’m not sure. For those unfamiliar with the story, it will follow my dad’s words after another break, and then I’ll reflect in my own way….


The Demoniac

(1974/5?)

By James Pahman

1.

The demoniac stood rigidly erect against the stone cell wall, his ankles bleeding where the fetters abraded against his skin and bone, tearing the flesh and slightly paring the bone. His arms lifted above his head held taut by two metal chains which were wrapped around his chest and […] winding around his arms and wrists, nailed into the grey wall by spiked metal clamps. Lesions prickled his senses and scars marked his body. In his eyes were the flashes of fire and passionate violence, they curled and rolled as he hung his burning head toward the compulsive churning of his legs; other times they would stare, glassy and unaffected by the raging mocking clamor of the crowds as the soldiers dragged him across the rocks and dust of the Gerasene desert bound by chains and pulled by horses.

His mind boiled and echoed the taunts and derisions he heard constantly slashing in acute agonizing voices which screamed in fiendish shrills with wicked velocity, tearing the images of his thoughts like thin paper and flashing the illusions of killers and murderous beasts haunting all his awareness and plaguing his mind with ruthless death. The demons played their harsh dissonance within the confines of his brain, battering his nervous system with the intentions of relentless warfare, choking his heart with the distortions and destructions of the horrid, blotching and arraying his vision with a miasma of foul ugliness and disgust.

Tearing the chains and crushing the fetters, he ran in an impetuous fever to the tombs; the desert caves of bones. And there he raved and shrieked in his exposed nakedness, attacking all those who came near. Throughout the rocky mountains’ lofts he would wander crying out bitterness and cutting himself with the sharp stones. He epitomized and was plagued with sin and torturous lusts, from within the black depths of his soul to the ostentatious scars and bleeding ruin of his miserable body.

Who can describe the weighty loneliness of his barren entity, whose heart was parched by the blazing coals of hatred and malevolence? Possessed by demons and abandoned by men of mercy, for he could not be restrained or tamed. He would lay enveloped by the cold, hard walls of caves, the places where the dead were left to rot and decay within their separate cells. Did a song ever leave his lips? Had he comrades to share his humanity?

Would a woman ever comply to be his helpmeet? Did he laugh from happiness and content? And was his strength employed for the vigorous productive work that a man is satisfied with? Or did he ever create an expression of the reflected image in beauty and delight? None of these at all, for we hear the echoed screams of a ravaged spirit tearing into the dark blanket of the night, out of a cave where hollowness is joined with a man, possessed by demons, fuming in the pit of his soul.

2.

It was a cool, calm summer morning. The sun lavished its golden light across the Galilean sea. The surface of the waters sparkled like jewels. Occasionally pelicans would hover above slicing into the sea for a mouthful of fish. Fishermen had a propitious livelihood because of the waters, abundantly inhabited by fish. Early at dawn they would row their small boats out to the larger vessel and initiate their work for the day.

The demoniac stared out towards the sea and heard the gentle splashing of oars cutting the clear waters. He squinted his eyes and lifted his hand to block the brightness of the sun. There at the shore he saw the men jumping out of the boats and pulling them to the edge of the sea. And he saw a man of strong stature lift out of the boat. It was then that he was impelled by vicious roaring from the demons to go to this man and spread his violence before him. And so he ran with great impetus and speed, incited to conquer the stranger on the seashore.


So as not to leave readers unfamiliar with this story’s inspiration in suspense, here is St. Mark 5:1-20:

Then they came to the other side of the sea, to the country of the Gadarenes. And when He had come out of the boat, immediately there met Him out of the tombs a man with an unclean spirit, who had his dwelling among the tombs; and no one could bind him, not even with chains, because he had often been bound with shackles and chains. And the chains had been pulled apart by him, and the shackles broken in pieces; neither could anyone tame him. And always, night and day, he was in the mountains and in the tombs, crying out and cutting himself with stones.

When he saw Jesus from afar, he ran and worshiped Him. And he cried out with a loud voice and said, “What have I to do with You, Jesus, Son of the Most High God? I implore You by God that You do not torment me.”

For He said to him, “Come out of the man, unclean spirit!” Then He asked him, “What is your name?”

And he answered, saying, “My name is Legion; for we are many.” Also he begged Him earnestly that He would not send them out of the country.

Now a large herd of swine was feeding there near the mountains. So all the demons begged Him, saying, “Send us to the swine, that we may enter them.” And at once Jesus gave them permission. Then the unclean spirits went out and entered the swine (there were about two thousand); and the herd ran violently down the steep place into the sea, and drowned in the sea.

So those who fed the swine fled, and they told it in the city and in the country. And they went out to see what it was that had happened. Then they came to Jesus, and saw the one who had been demon-possessed and had the legion, sitting and clothed and in his right mind. And they were afraid. And those who saw it told them how it happened to him who had been demon-possessed, and about the swine. Then they began to plead with Him to depart from their region.

And when He got into the boat, he who had been demon-possessed begged Him that he might be with Him. However, Jesus did not permit him, but said to him, “Go home to your friends, and tell them what great things the Lord has done for you, and how He has had compassion on you.” And he departed and began to proclaim in Decapolis all that Jesus had done for him; and all marveled.

The ancient world spiritualized illness, but our tendency today is to secularize it. While I think our era’s error avoids some serious harms — the scientific method has born good fruit — there are times when our imagined superiority blinds us to anything that doesn’t easily fit into our modern worldviews.

I always feel for our priests the Sunday each year they must read and preach on this story. Our estrangement from ancient worldviews means that talking about something like demon possession will leave one’s hearers wondering whether one has oneself gone mad. When we find it impossible to understand another person’s worldview, we render empathy impossible as well.

For whatever reason, my father found empathy easy in this case. Or, at least, reading his reflection helps me empathize with the demoniac in the story. In our era, mental disturbance is illness, and as illness is unwelcome, especially chronic and untreatable illnesses, we resort to stigmatizing the mentally ill. They remind us too vividly that there remain many deep and serious things about this life for which we have no good explanation, not to mention solution. For their part, the mentally ill sometimes aren’t the most easily approachable people. Not everyone possesses the gift of connecting and caring for the outcast.

But Jesus did, as one should expect of the Son of God. Indeed, before God and apart from him, we all drift about under the sway of violent passions, self-delusion perhaps the most prevalant of all. We should — yes, like my dad did — see ourselves in this story. Indeed, reading it today, I noticed something truly remarkable:

All throughout the Gospel, but especially in St. Mark’s account, Jesus tells people that he heals or helps to keep it a secret. They say, “Thank you!” And he says, “Don’t mention it,” except he really means it. In fact, he usually strictly warns them, “Don’t tell anyone.” “Don’t tell,” he says to the blind man whose eyes he opened. “Don’t tell,” he says to the deaf mute whose hearing and speech he restored. “Don’t tell,” he says to the leper whose sore-ridden and infested skin he cleanses. Immediately following this story, Jesus raises a little girl from the dead, and what does he say to her family? “Don’t tell.” But to one man, this man, the man society had abandoned to the torment of his irrationality, Jesus says, “Go and tell.” What better testament for one’s message than the voice of a man once mute? Yet Jesus doesn’t choose the blind or deaf or mute or diseased to be his witness — he chooses this man, a “madman” — crazy, dangerous, violent, mentally ill, disturbed, tormented.

Of course, the transformation in him must have been remarkable. It terrified the people of the area, who begged Jesus “to depart from their region.” I suppose it also ruined the local swine-herding economy, which either must have been run by Gentiles or non-observant Jews, since pork isn’t kosher. In any case, add that to the reasons this man would seem to be a terrible choice. Who would believe him? How could they get the memory of his madness out of their heads? And who would be paying for the pigs? (Not Jesus, so far as we know.)

Yet Jesus says to him, “Go and tell.” I’ve been asking the wrong questions on purpose to illustrate my point. What we should really be asking is, “Who better?” Who could be more humble than a man full of shame at his own behavior? Who could be more compassionate toward others than one who knows the pain of compassion’s absence? Who better to represent Christ to a world possessed than a man freed by Christ from bondage to the devil?

On this third anniversary of my father’s death, I’m thankful for this seemingly unfinished bit of prose for helping me enter into this strange, ancient story in order to see all the better the beauty of that “stranger on the seashore,” whose peace overpowered the pain and violence of his heart.

May his memory be eternal.

“… I partook of the holy and life-giving Mysteries in the Church of the Forerunner and ate half of one of my loaves. Then, after drinking some water from Jordan, I lay down and passed the night on the ground. In the morning I found a small boat and crossed to the opposite bank. I again prayed to Our Lady to lead me whither she wished. Then I found myself in this desert and since then up to this very day I am estranged from all, keeping away from people and running away from everyone. And I live here clinging to my God Who saves all who turn to Him from faintheartedness and storms.”

Zosima asked her: “How many years have gone by since you began to live in this desert?” She replied: “Forty-seven years have already gone by, I think, since I left the holy city.”

~ The Life of St. Mary of Egypt

This Sunday was the Sunday of St. Mary of Egypt, and in this time of isolation due to the current pandemic, her life takes on new meaning.

Pia Sophia Chaudhari wrote a wonderful reflection, published last week, encouraging people to consider the trauma that likely led to Mary’s well-known prodigality in her youth.

In this post, I want look instead at her isolation.

Mary tells Fr. Zosima that the first seventeen years were a constant fight with temptation. Literarily, this mirrors her own account of living a sinful life for seventeen years in Egypt in her youth. Her seventeen years of sin require seventeen years of repentance.

To Pia’s point, it should be noted that repentance is not traditionally a strictly juridical idea. It would be easy to draw the conclusion that there is a proportion of justice implied in the parallel between Mary’s seventeen years in the world and her first seventeen in the desert. That may very well be the case, but repentance — and sin, for that matter — is much broader. The Greek word means “to change one’s mind.” The Hebrew means “to turn around.” In this latter sense, God is even described as “repenting” from punishments out of his mercy. Because he was merciful, he did not at that time give his people what they deserved as a matter of justice but rather acted according to his grace.

Mary’s whole life in the desert — like all the saints — was a matter of repentance. Let us consider again Pia’s suggestion that behind Mary’s sin was likely trauma. Psychologically, the scars of the past cannot be overcome in an instant. As creatures, change is part of our natures — we are all always “in process.” Like Mary, many have had transformative moments of conversion — my point isn’t to downplay the power of such phenomena. Rather, it is to be mindful of the Lord’s parable of the seed that the sower sowed upon different kinds of soil. The seed that fell among the rocks grew up quickly, but it had no root and withered.

Mary not only had a dramatic conversion in Jerusalem, which she earlier details, but she then, in faith, set out to lay down deep roots. To extend the parable, we may think of those seventeen years as digging up the rocks and clearing the ground so that the seed she received would have room to grow.

I have been thinking about St. Mary of Egypt all through Lent this year due to the COVID-19 pandemic. Early on, many protested that stay at home orders applied to churches, especially Orthodox churches due to our understanding of the vital role of the sacraments, but notice what St. Mary says: She received the sacraments once at the Church of St. John the Forerunner, then set out into the desert … for forty-seven years! According to the story, she only received them one more time, by the hand of Fr. Zosima who returned to her, before her death.

Our current state is not “normal.” We stay inside for our safety and for the vulnerable in our communities. If we must go out, we keep our distance from others — they or we may be asymptomatic carriers — and many have started wearing face masks which even prevent us from smiling at each other.

At home, the single are faced with real isolation. Those with families face other frustrations. Whoever we are, we are facing the temptations — a word, it should be noted, which can also mean “trials” — of all the scars of our pasts. Many of us have found that the fight against them isn’t as easy as we had expected. And in the midst of it all, we are deprived of the grace of the sacraments.

Or are we?

Many saints — St. Maximos the Confessor, for example — say that we receive the fullness of God’s grace at our baptisms, just as the whole tree is contained in the single seed from which it grows. This isn’t to say that we don’t need the Eucharist. I’ll take all the grace I can get! Rather it is to remind us of God’s power. He has not left us without help. For St. Mary, it sustained her for forty-seven years.

We can get through this. Hopefully it won’t take forty-seven years. But however long it takes, let us use the time to clear away the rocks — the temptations — over which we so often stumble.

I am reminded of something Fr. Roman Braga, of blessed memory, once said about his time at the Pitesti prison — a Soviet torture camp — and his time, after the prison was shut down, in solitary confinement. He spent three or four years enduring unspeakable torture meant to brainwash him away from his deepest held beliefs, his faith, his morals. He said that at Pitesti he learned that the devil was real.

After the outside world heard about the prison, the Soviets immediately shut it down — they always wanted to put on a good face for the outside world. So they transferred Fr. Roman to solitary confinement for eleven years. Not quite forty-seven — or even seventeen — but still a very long time. He said that there he discovered that God was truly real. Because when you are alone, you have nowhere to look but inside yourself. And we all are created in the image of God, so what we see, when we are able to truly look there, is God — his imprint upon our hearts.

Fr. Roman was an academic before the Soviets arrested him. But he said that he learned his books had been a sort of prison of their own. By himself, there was nothing to do but face whatever lurked inside and to meet it with prayer. I suspect that experience is quite similar to St. Mary’s. Perhaps it is becoming familiar to some of us.

Even now, I know that I find ways to distract myself. There’s nothing wrong with taking a rest when it is needed, but maybe those innocent things can be a sort of prison for me as well, like Fr. Roman’s books.

We are isolated, worried, stressed out, tempted, confused, frustrated, impatient, and so much more right now. We have good reason to be. But we also have good reason to hope. Every resurrection is preceded by death. There is a real disease that is a threat to life and health. For those we lose, we can take refuge in that hope of the resurrection. There are economic consequences to the measures we’ve taken. For those of us who lost jobs, we can take refuge in that hope. For whole industries and economies that may be disrupted and lost, we can take refuge in that hope. And as long as humanity can remember, our world has been diseased with corruption and sin. And for our own mistaken images of ourselves, our misplaced self-worth, we can take refuge in that hope.

Our value is anchored not in the foaming river of our ever-changing world, but in the immovable grace of God, who raised our Lord from the dead, who raised St. Mary from a life of prodigality, who raises us every day.

Lord, have mercy. We will rise from this, too.

Christmas 2017

He, the Mighty One, the Artificer of all, Himself prepared this body in the virgin as a temple for Himself, and took it for His very own, as the instrument through which He was known and in which He dwelt.

~ St. Athanasius the Great, On the Incarnation, 2.8

Christ is born! Let us glorify him!

Today is Christmas. What a weird event.

I’m not talking about all the shopping and whatnot. That, of course, can be overdone. We actually opened our presents with the kids Christmas Eve this year. This was mainly for practical reasons – we’ll be at church and then my mom’s all day today – but I think it might also help to take some of the focus of the day away from all the stuff, however wonderful it is to give and receive gifts.

No, I’m talking about the birth of Jesus Christ, which we commemorate today. Continue reading

I am going through the pangs of being born. Sympathize with me, my brothers! Do not stand in the way of my coming to life—do not wish death on me. Do not give back to the world one who wants to be God’s; do not trick him with material things. Let me get into the clear light and manhood will be mine.

St. Ignatius of Antioch, To the Romans, 6.2

My good friend Nathan (“Basil”) has produced a wonderful new film about 1) the stories of religiously unaffiliated persons or “nones” and 2) the story of how he went from being a none to finding the Orthodox Church.

You can watch the trailer above.

There is a press release here.

The film has a website, where you can request to host a screening, here.

Continue reading

Holy Week and Pascha 2017

According to Jim Forest,

No matter what season of the year it was, [St. Seraphim of Sarov] greeted visitors with the paschal salutation, “Christ is risen!” As another paschal gesture, he always wore a white robe.

Truly he is risen!

Pascha came early to my little family this year. That’s not a reference to the Eastern Church calendar either; by some liturgical accident East and West had the same date this year.

No, I say Pascha came early because our second son Aidan was born right at the start of Lent. Continue reading

Thy Will Be Done

[Abba Isaac said:] “To pray, ‘Thy will be done in earth as it is in heaven’ is to pray that men may be like angels, that as angels fulfil God’s will in heaven, men may fulfil his will instead of their own, on earth. No one can say this sincerely except one who believes that every circumstance, favourable or unfavourable, is designed by God’s providence for his good, and that he thinks and cares more for the good of his people and their salvation than we do for ourselves. It may be understood thus: the will of God is the salvation of all men, according to that text of St Paul: ‘who willeth all men to be saved and to come to the knowledge of the truth.’ [1 Timothy 2:4].”

~ Conferences of St. John Cassian, 9.20

The acceptance of all things as God’s will is one of the most common and most difficult teachings of the fathers. In particular, the part where Abba Isaac makes clear this includes “every circumstance, favourable or unfavourable,” is especially hard to swallow. What might we make of this? What good does it do? How does it affect our spiritual practice? Continue reading

There is a prayer of Metropolitan St. Philaret of Moscow that I love, but I haven’t yet succeeded in memorizing. In effort to capture in a memorable way the spirit of that prayer (a version of which can be found here), I worked out this more poetic paraphrase: Continue reading

Bright Sadness

Abba Poemen said also: “Grief is twofold: it works good, and it keeps out evil.”

~ Sayings of the Desert Fathers, 3.12

There are many ways in which Abba Poemen could be wrong. But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and presume that he is aware of all those. When is Abba Poemen right? When is grief not only not bad, but a double blessing? Continue reading

Be the Bee!

[T]he monk who desires to gather spiritual honey, ought like a most careful bee, to suck out virtue from those who specially possess it, and should diligently store it up in the vessel of his own breast: nor should he investigate what any one is lacking in, but only regard and gather whatever virtue he has. For if we want to gain all virtues from some one person, we shall with great difficulty or perhaps never at all find suitable examples for us to imitate. For though we do not as yet see that even Christ is made “all things in all,” as the Apostle says; still in this way we can find Him bit by bit in all.

~ St. John Cassian, Institutes, 5.4

My wife Kelly sent me the following video. I’m sure I’m late in seeing it, but I figured it was worth sharing here anyway. Anyone who can make a video about apatheia that kids could actually get into is doing something right in my book. Kudos.

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Great and Holy Pascha 2014

Now on the first day of the week, very early in the morning, they, and certain other women with them, came to the tomb bringing the spices which they had prepared. But they found the stone rolled away from the tomb. Then they went in and did not find the body of the Lord Jesus. And it happened, as they were greatly perplexed about this, that behold, two men stood by them in shining garments. Then, as they were afraid and bowed their faces to the earth, they said to them, “Why do you seek the living among the dead? He is not here, but is risen! Remember how He spoke to you when He was still in Galilee, saying, ‘The Son of Man must be delivered into the hands of sinful men, and be crucified, and the third day rise again.’”

~ The Gospel According to St. Luke, 24:1-7

Last year, I posted the Paschal Homily of St. John Chrysostom. Holy Saturday always seems a bit too busy to write my own reflection, and anyway, we celebrate Pascha (Easter) for the next forty days, so I will have plenty of time for that. Instead, I would like to simply offer a little florilegium of passages from the fathers on the meaning of Pascha. Continue reading